Talk Amongst Yourselves

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According to a World Health Organization report, life expectancy at birth in Canada is 79.8 years versus 77.3 in the US.

The bad news is, they have to spend the extra 2 1/2 years living in Canada.

Did you hear about the guy with a map of Canada tattoed on his rear end?

Every time he sits down, Quebec sparates.

When Sir John A and Friends were trying to figure out a name for this great country, someone had a great idea. "Let's stick all the letters into a hat and draw 3 of them - that will be the new name of this place."

1st letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "C" eh!?
2nd letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "N" eh!?
3rd letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "D" eh!?

Newfoundland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.

The terrorist leader said: "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."

The Englishman replied: "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."

The Canadian replied: "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."

The American replied: "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."

There once was an Ontarian who's life long dream it was to be a Newfie. One day the man finally saw his doctor about it. The doctor examined him and gave him the prognosis, "Well, if you really want to be a Newfie there is a surgery I can perform, but I have to remove 1/3 of your brain." The Ontarian was so excited, he agreed to do it right away.

During the surgery however, the doctor's hand slipped. The doctor was so upset that he sat next to the man in the recovery room until he woke up. Finally the Ontarian woke up. The doctor immediately explain what happened, and told the Ontarian, "I am so sorry sir, my hand slipped during the surgery and I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain instead of 1/3."

The Ontarian looked confused and replied "Que ce que vous dit monsuier?"

Three expectant fathers, an American, a Jamaican, and a Canadian, were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has some good news and some bad news, "The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them up." The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The American guy goes right to the Jamaican baby, picks him up and starts rocking him. "What are you doing?" the Jamaican guy asks, "That is obviously my son."

"I know," said the American guy, "but I didn't want to accidentally get the Canadian kid."

Page in French
(The language of the Beaver)
Why invade Canada?

It's been done before
(And we're not just talking about those South Park kids or John Candy.)

You know if it wasn't for Benedict Arnold (Yup, the traitor of later) losing a key battle in the Revolutionary War, Canada would probably be a part of the U.S. (But much like New Jersey, we probably wouldn't want it).

Canada Has Stuff!
First off, let's make Alaska actually connected to the U.S. again! Those Alaskan folks are always getting screwed by not being part of the "continental 48 states". Let's give them a nice little bridge downstairs. A little bit of farmland never hurt anything either, but forget the permafrost part. Canada is the second largest country in the world; let's fix that.

If Christmas ever fails to come, the Canucks did it
The magnetic north pole is within the Canadian border. We must protect Santa Claus!

They're just a little too proud
Perhaps if they didn't think it was so cool to live in "Diet America" we wouldn't need to invade them, but with people like this guy and these people thinking that Canada is the coolest thing since sliced bread, we need to do our part to keep them in their place. There's a reason the continent is called "North America" and not "North Canada".

They stole our basketball teams
Since when does the "N.B.A." stand for "Canadians Can Play Too". We need to get Vancouver and Toronto annexed into America to preserve the "N".

They don't play nicely with each other
There has been a secessionist movement for years. Quebec doesn't like other Canadians, and the feeling is pretty much mutual. We don't have that in the U.S... you know, there aren't any (Texas) big states (Texas) that think that they're better (Texas) than the rest of the Union (Texas).

It's possible
Why go to the moon? Because it's there. Same with Canada, it's just colder than the moon.

How To Invade Canada?

However you want!
With the world's longest undefended border betwixt us, you've got a lot of options of where to cross!

They want to make it easy for us
The border is wide open, with usually less than a 10 minute wait at the border. But if you have a pot-luck dinner in the evening and need to be home early, the Canadian government is nice enough to keep us up to the minute with the wait times here so you can pack your panzer and move on out!

The paths that we'll need to take:
There will be four teams (Quite possibly Little League Teams if they don't already have a game scheduled that weekend) that will move into Canada using a system of "roads" and "railways". By spreading out, they can attack the most important part of Canada: Beavers. The Beaver defense network is vast, but not insurmountable. After turning them into warm yet stylish hats, the little leaguers will continue on by using the paths below:

Now you're probably wondering why not a five-pronged attack from the North as well?

We're letting Canada keep the North. It will from now on be known as the smaller version of Canada, "Canadi" (Pronounced "Canadee"). The plan for the new border is below:

Let's not forget their defense force is somewhat less than credible...
America Canada
Armed Forces Budget: $276,700,000,000 $7,861,000,000
Manpower: 73,597,731 7,158,016
Best Ground Weapon: M-1 Abrams Tank "Mounties"
Military Hero: Gen. MacArthur Dudley Do-Right
Patriotic Music: Lee Greenwood Celine Dion
Backbone: Fully Developed Missing
Secret Weapon: Stealth Technology Rabid Beavers
National Symbol: Our Flag. On everything. Their Flag. On everything.

Or the new national symbol.

The surrender will come quickly, they're French after all...
Let's not foget that not only do they speak French but a lot of them are. We should see white flags before we even leave home!


Welcome our funny-sounding countrymen!
Now that Canadi is created, and the U.S. has taken on another state (We suggest calling it "Canada" just to piss of the Canadies that still remember their old country), we'll have a really big party. Quebec can hang out with the South, since they both have this nasty little secession gene apparently; and we'll let Toronto re-unite with Seattle live on Oprah.

And finally, just for good measure, it's ZEE, no "Zed". Also know as, THE END.

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